We’ve all been there – your partner is all fired up and ready to go, but you would rather roll over and read a book instead. To have an enjoyable sexual experience, both people need to be in the mood. But sometimes that’s not possible. And that’s okay! No one should feel pressured into doing anything they don’t want to. But you can be the agent of your own desire if you want to. Of course, you should never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. But, you may find that it’s possible to create your own desire.
It’s normal that we don’t feel like getting it on 24/7 (and normal if you do!) but you don’t have to wait for the stars to align. Here are some tips on what to do when you’re not feeling it, but want to!
Intimacy without pressure
When you don’t feel like going all the way, ask your partner if they want to be intimate without the expectation of more. Kissing, light touching or some foreplay might stir up your desire when it’s not there yet. It might not and that’s fine. As long as your partner knows what they can and can’t expect, it will be easier for them to work with your current feelings. Plus, it’s much easier to feel relaxed and get into the mood when you know that there’s no pressure.
Identify the reason
Why aren’t you feeling it right now? As mentioned before, most of us won’t feel turned on all the time, but what’s stopping you from getting into the mood right now? If you want to be intimate with your partner, but can’t seem to bring yourself to do so, look into the reasons. It may be a case of needing to relax and unwind, or something more complicated. Again, there is no pressure to be ‘on’ all the time, but you may be finding it difficult even when you would like to. In that case, it might be time to speak to a professional.
It sounds selfish, but the only person who knows what you want is you. You don’t, and shouldn’t, have to discount your partner’s needs. But you should make sure that your own desires are being met. What would turn you on right now? What would make this a great experience? Don’t just think about it, let your partner know! You’ll feel much more inclined to get sexual with your partner if you know that you’re going to have a great time too.
It’s a cliché for a reason, but communication is key! For the previous three points to be effective, communication is essential. You should always let your partner know exactly how you’re feeling and set their expectations, so that you’re comfortable.
When you’re just not feeling it, let your partner know. But, when the lack of intimacy is due to an ongoing problem, it’s important to talk things through so that you can get back into a good rhythm.